Journeyers, I have a confession.
After Warren’s last affair I began piling away a secret stash.
Cold hard cash that no one knows about but me.
No one.
Well, I guess given that declaration, no one but all of you, my fellow Journeyers…
I can thank my lucky stone that there aren’t too many of you, huh?
I hid it so well that I often forget where I put it.
I have a habit of doing those kinds of things.
Hiding something and then forgetting where I put it.
So much so that Big Buy coined a new phrase in our house, a new code for something someone’s misplaced.
That boy has enough brain power to fuel a rocket, but can be as absent-minded as…well…his mother…
“I didn’t lose it,” he began saying, “I hid it.”
It’s the honest to goodness truth, too.
Every once in a while, when I have doubts about Warren and me and think about adding to this private little hoard, I have to ponder its location.
And a time or two, I’ve just stumbled across its presence and thought, Oh, yeah. I did that. I’m hiding something.
And, Journeyers, when I choose to think about it, the secret screams at me and I feel horrible.
You see, I’m as honest as the hackneyed cliché, itself.
And there’s nothing I hate more than being lied to.
When my children were growing up there were many times when I had to explain to them the differences between keeping a fun secret, one that would eventually be told, like a surprise birthday party or a holiday gift.
And there were too many instances when I had to explain to them why their being asked into some sneaky, cover-it-up incident wasn’t healthy for them or our family.
I, like Glennon, (um… the Momastery momma makes us all feel like a best friend, doesn’t she?) seem to have walked all over my in-law’s tablecloth when I entered their lives.
G, as she signs off every post, so succinctly and eloquently sums up the space created when Warren and I married, a divide that occurs when people live and feel and act and believe so differently.
And yet, despite those differences, there are commonalities in kindness and generosity and a strong desire to learn to leave our past pains behind.
That is partly why I stay, why I strive to work things out, why I refuse to throw in the towel until I know that we’ve exhausted all possibility.
And yet, there is a financial reality of the life we’ve created together.
One where we’ve spent most of our years together living like so many of our fellow countrymen, from paycheck to paycheck.
I’ve done what I wanted to do these past years, working part-time and pursuing employment that afforded me more flexibility.
I wanted to be there for my children, to bake cookies for school bake sales, to craft projects and classroom holiday parties, and to volunteer as much as I could.
The price of that freedom has been a financial dependence that I haven’t known since I left college.
And I’m not convinced Warren’s family would allow me to leave with the linens, if we were to part.
I’ve met many women in this predicament, and a number of them have talked about their own buried bundles.
Play money.
Escape money.
My money, each and every one of them has emphasized.
And though I’ve never expressed my dislike for the covert action, I found the mentality to be a great contributor to the marital conflicts they also professed.
There’s a bit of self loathing that sits in the pit of my stomach.
I don’t like that feeling, Journeyers, nor do I like the lie it represents.
How can I expect trust from Warren when I can’t offer the same in return?
I tell myself that I’m not the one who created the mistrust.
But, as I’ve said to my kids more times that I can count, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”
When I talked to Trish about my conflict, she didn’t seem to act as if it were some horrific action.
And yet, when I stumbled across my little funds the other day, that same guilt reared its little head.
A feeble attempt at assuaging my mood, I tell myself that either way, the stash is a pretty little nest egg that the both of us will eventually benefit from, if our efforts to create a stronger marriage are successful.
But for now, and until I discover the answers I need, maybe I should put down the hammer I’ve been using to beat myself up with, and simply focus on being kind to Me…
What about you, Journeyers, have you or someone you know kept a secret stash of funds? What’s your take on the subject?